Mysteries

MYSTERIES

(Scene: Two couples at a restaurant. The ladies have just left for the powder room.)

ROY: What is it about the powder room? Have you ever seen a woman leave a table for the powder room without taking another one with her?

STEVE: Well Roy, it’s one of the mysteries of nature.

ROY: Huh? I don’t get it.

STEVE: If you did, it wouldn’t be a mystery then would it?
(Men freeze)

(Women are facing audienceas though looking in a mirror while touching up makeup.
JULIE: So Beth, don’t you and Roy have an Anniversary coming up?

BETH: Yeah, next Saturday.

JULIE: How many is this?

BETH: Five.

JULIE: Ooh, that’s special. What are you going to do? Going somewhere special?

BETH: I don’t want to talk about it.

JULIE: What’s wrong?

BETH: You want to know where we’re going on the night of our fifth anniversary? We’re going to the monster truck rally.

JULIE: You’re kidding!

BETH: I wish I were. We’ve gone for the past five years in a row, and this year it falls on our anniversary.

JULIE: So Roy’s a real Monster truck fan eh?

BETH: Yeah and right after we were married I made the mistake of telling him about having fun with my dad when they came to town. I just meant that I enjoyed it because it was the only time my dad and I ever had to do something together, just the two of us. One year he even bought me a poster of Truckzilla. Put it in an expensive frame and everything.

JULIE: Why don’t you just tell him how you feel.

BETH: Oh it means so much to him, I hate to hurt his feelings. But it’s really getting to me Julie. I’ve got to do something.

JULIE: You’ve got to communicate. Y’know, we used to have this old dog. He used to bring me gifts. One morning I opened the front door, and there on the porch was a dead gopher. Just staring at me. And there’s old Coco standing there wagging his tail, nudging the thing towards me like I’m supposed to like it.

BETH: What’s that got to do with Monster trucks on our anniversary, or communicating?

JULIE: Don’t you see? That dog was acting out of love for me. He thought he was bringing me breakfast. He didn’t understand that my scream wasn’t squeals of delight. The last straw though was when he dropped the dead mouse in my lap.

BETH: Yeah like our fifth anniversary.

JULIE: That’s when I took the rolled up newspaper to him. He got the message then?

BETH: Hmmm...
(WomenFreeze)

ROY: You and Julie have been married quite a while now right?

STEVE: Twenty years.

ROY: Does it ever get any less mysterious.

STEVE: Yes and no. It all boils down to communication. I remember right after we were married, Julie asked my mom, how I liked my eggs. Mom told her sunnyside up. Unfortunately Mom always confused me and my brother Jerry. That was how he liked his eggs. Anyway, Julie starts fixing me these sunnyside up eggs. Couldn’t stand em. Couldn’t stand those two yellow eyes looking up at me.

ROY: So what did you do.

STEVE: I was afraid I’d hurt her feelings so I gagged them down. For about five years. The last thing I wanted to do was criticize her cooking. Didn’t want to get her upset.

ROY: And after five years.

STEVE: I told her.

ROY: And what happened?

STEVE: Oh she got upset. Upset that I hadn’t told her sooner. She didn’t care how she fixed my eggs. She was just doing it to please me. I could have eliminated five years of dreading breakfast if I’d just talked to her.

ROY: Well you sure are right about the mystery part. You want to know what we’re doing on our fifth anniversary?

STEVE: What?

ROY: We’re going to the Monster Truck Rally.

STEVE: Are you nuts? Taking your wife to monster trucks on your anniversary?

ROY: No, you don’t understand. She loves them. She told me a story once about going with her dad when she was a girl. You should have seen her eyes mist up whenever she thought of it.

STEVE: Wow, that’s really something.

ROY: If it wasn’t for her, I wouldn’t go near the place. I can’t stand that stuff. I just don’t have the nerve to tell her. It would break her heart. I put on a show so she doesn’t know how bad I hate all that noise.

STEVE: I’m telling you Roy, you need to communicate. Here they come.
(Women approach the table)

ROY: Hi Honey. I was just telling Steve how much fun we’re going to have on our anniversary.
(Beth turns as if to look for something.)
Where are you going?

BETH: Oh just looking for a newspaper.

ROY and STEVE: (Look at each other and shrug.)
Mystery.

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